


Kim Possible:  A Princess Bride

by arandomshipper (Giveadogabone)



Category: Kim Possible (Cartoon)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy, F/M, Simi-Crossover, Story within a Story, what it says on the tin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 22:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15716376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giveadogabone/pseuds/arandomshipper
Summary: The plot of A Princess Bride, retold with Kim Possible characters.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is written in the style of the modern The Princess Bride novel, which alternates between the original story The Princess Bride and the story of the son having the book read to him by the father, differentiated by italics for the true life part of the story. In other words:
> 
> Italics = Modern day Kim Possible, ten years post-Graduation.
> 
> Normal text = Story within story, The Princess Bride as told by Drakken using people he knows as the characters.

_A young boy with aqua-colored skin and green pajamas was creeping through his house, sneaking past the living room carefully so as not to disturb the four adults engaged in some discussion he didn't care about. His goal was the kitchen and the refrigerator, and ultimately, the ice cream he knew his mom hid in the back of the freezer. Unnaturally skilled for someone his age, he went undetected towards his goal, easily reaching the kitchen and pulling open the freezer without a sound. With a deft touch, he slowly reached inside for the object of his desire, maneuvering around the invisible motion-detecting lasers unaided. He grasped his prize and pulled it to him, ecstatic at his success. He turned to make his escape...and his face smacked into someone's stomach. His gaze turned up to see his mother staring down at him impassively, arms crossed over her ample chest._

_"Awww, how did you catch me? I did everything right!"_

_"What, you think I didn't know who's been stealing my ice cream? I used to be a professional thief, kiddo. Nobody's pulling one over on me. Instincts._

_"Yeah, well your instincts didn't stop me the last three times." He grumbled._

_"Where did you learn that disrespectful backtalk?! Drakken, get in here and handle your son, before you have to build him a new face!"_

_A blue-skinned man with pitch-black hair walked into the kitchen. The woman, a beauty with equally black hair but green-skinned, snarled at him. "Do you know what he just said to me? I don't remember raising such a sassy, sarcastic know-it-all!"_

_"He gets it from you, you know." He said._

_"What was that?" She replied, a dangerous smile on her face. She lifted a hand, and it ignited in green flames._

_"Uhh, I meant to say, he gets his good looks from you, but I have no idea where he got his sarcasm from. No idea. I was always very polite to my mother."_

_"Nice save. Now get him to bed before you have to build him a casket."_

_"Come, Drago." He hustled the boy out of the kitchen and back to his room. As they passed the living room, the two guests stood to their feet, a red-headed woman and a blond man._

_"Is everything alright? That sounded pretty harsh." The woman asked._

_"Oh, no, it's perfectly fine. Shego's all talk, you know how it is. She can't even bring herself to put him on timeout. Every time we have to punish him, 'we' becomes 'me'."_

_She laughed. "Shego, a softie mom. It fits her, somehow."_

_"Yes it does." He smiled a soft smile. "Now, you'll have to excuse me a moment while I put Drago to bed."_

_"But dad, I'm not even tired!" The boy protested._

_"Nonsense, son. Every super-genius needs lots of rest to recharge those nuerons. And, despite your mother's half of the genes, a super-genius is exactly what you'll be."_

_"I heard that!" Came a muffled yell from the kitchen. Shego walked in holding a carton of ice cream in one hand and a spoon in the other, to busy using the two things for their intended purpose to reply further._

_"What I meant was, between your mother and me, you will be the greatest genius of your time."_

_"S'right. So go to bed, pookie. Mommy and daddy want to visit a little tonight. We haven't seen our friends in quite a while."_

_"But I'm not tired." Came the expected reply. His eyes grew big and watery, and his lips went down into a pout._

_"What the-no! Get that thing out of my face! Where did you learn that? Pumpkin?" She turned to the red-headed woman._

_"Don't look at me." Kim held her hands up. "I didn't teach him a thing."_

_Drakken stepped between his wife and son with crossed arms. "Well, it won't work on me. You're going to bed, and that's final!" Drago continued to stare up at him, but with no effect._

_"Wow dude, immunity to the puppy-dog pout! That's way awesome! You've got to teach me that, man, I know I need it in my life." The blond man said._

_"Oh, no. That is so not happening." The redhead shook her head._

_"Don't worry about that. It's not teachable. It's one of those dads-doing-what's-best-for-their-kids things." The blue man said. "Now, it's off to bed." He took his son's hand and let him into the bedroom._

_"But I'm really, really not tired!" Drago tried one more time._

_Drakken sighed. "Well, how about I tell you a story? That always puts you to sleep."_

_"But your stories are so boring! I want something cool!"_

_Drakken winced at that. "Boring, huh? I'm just a boring old man. Not cool enough for the youngsters these days." He did his own version of the puppy-dog pout, looking like he was about to cry._

_"No, I didn't mean it." Drago said guiltily. "I'll listen to your story. Just...please try to make it cooler than usual?"_

_Drakken thought about that. "Well, maybe if I base it off of an existing story instead of making one up from scratch, it'll work better."_

_"Yeah!" Drago was willing to try anything that was different than usual._

_Drakken nodded, and grabbed a chair and sat down at the foot of the bed. "Okay. Once upon a time..."_


	2. Chapter 2

There was a girl who thought she was all that, but she wasn't. Her name was Kim. Though she was just a peasant, she was renowned throughout the land for her beauty and kindness. People traveled from all over to make strange and difficult requests of her, which she always managed to fulfill somehow, giving her quite a reputation. But still, I must stress that she was not all that!

Anyway, moving on...this girl had a childhood friend who was unremarkable and clumsy. His name was Ron, but most people didn't even bother to remember it, they just called him Buffoon. He followed Kim around on her 'missions', as she called them, and always found some way to help, despite his clumsiness.

So blah, blah, the two fell in love-

_"Wait a second." Drago interrupted. "Blah, blah, the two fell in love? Isn't it your job to tell me how it happened? That's pretty lazy, even for you, Pop."_

_"It's not important." Drakken waved him off. "I'm skipping to the good stuff. Besides, you don't want to hear all that sappy romantic drabble, do you?"_

_"That's not the point! It's just bad storytelling. Don't you have any pride?"_

_"Well, sorry for not being a professional storyteller," said Drakken. "It seems my stories just aren't good enough for you, so I'll just-"_

_As he was getting up to leave, Drago held a hand out and shouted, "No, wait! I didn't mean it. I'm happy you skipped the boring stuff. Please continue."_

_Drakken looked at him a long moment. "You're sure? I might skip stuff like that later on, too."_

_"I'm sure."_

_"Okay then." Drakken sat back in his seat and continued. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Blah, blah, they fell in love."_

Ron found a job on a ship. They would be separated for a few years while the ship made its tour. They agreed to marry when he returned. But alas, it was not to be. Ron's ship was set upon by the legendary Ninja Pirate, Hirotaka, a man notorious for his efficiency and cruelty. No ship ever escaped his sight, and there were never any survivors. When word came to Kim of his death, she was inconsolable. She had lost both her best friend and future husband. She shut herself away and refused to take requests while she grieved.

However, it was not her fate to out of the limelight. Drawn by her fame and tales of her beauty, the Prince of her country, Lord Monkeyfist, sought her out to make her his bride. At first she refused him, but he persisted for month after month, persuading her at last by appealing to her selflessness, telling her of how happy the people of the land would be to see the two of them wed.

No sooner was their engagement was announced to the people of the land, then Kim was kidnapped by a very unusual gang of criminals. There was Shego, a highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant, her brother Hego, a giant oaf of a man with almost supernatural strength, and their boss, Dementor, a man very impressed with his own intelligence. Together, the three were nearly unstoppable, and easily nabbed their prize and were far away before so much as an alarm was raised.

Now, Lord Monkeyfist was a renowned tracker and fighter, but the gang had such a lead on him that he had little hope that he could catch them before the worst happened. Nevertheless, he gathered his best men and went on the hunt for his future bride.

Dementor lead his gang to a boat they had prepared ahead of time that would take them across the lake of shrieking eels, which he hoped would throw off the persuers. But, contrary to his expectations, as soon as they were out on the water, a boat was sighted in persuit of them. As Shego and Hego sped up their rowing, Dementor stared at it. "That's not possible! No one could've predicted my plans!" He shouted in anger.

Kim took advantage of the distraction to throw herself into the water, hands still bound, but determined to swim her way to safety. Dementor flipped around at the sound of the splash. "Oh, I don't think you want to do that, your highness." He said smugly. A horrific sound was heard. "Listen. It's the cry of the shrieking eel. There are hundreds in these waters, and their favorite meal is human flesh. I suggest you allow us to help you back into the boat, before you are stripped down to your skeleton."

_Drakkan paused for a moment to gauge his son's reaction. Drago just kept looking at him expectantly. Finally he spoke. "And then what? That's not the end of the story, is it?"_

_"No," said Drakken, a little puzzled. "But aren't you scared? This is a scary part."_

_"Really? This is supposed to be a scary part?" Drago said incredulously. "What's scary about flesh eating eels? I mean, they still die if you kill 'em. It's not like they're ghosts or something."_

_"Ghosts?! You're afraid of ghosts?! How the-you know what, nevermind. that's a conversation for another day. Let's just get back to the story."_

Kim didn't react at all as Dementor expected. She just shrugged and said, "No big," and started swimming for shore, bound hands and all.

"How-what-NO! Shego, after her!" Dementor spluttered.

"Oh, no, I am not getting in the water right now. I just finished doing my hair. Besides, those eels are nasty. You think I want them touching me?"

"Why you lazy, good-for-nothing-"

"Hey, hey, hey. Easy on the critique, boss. You hired me for a specific reason, because I'm the best at what I do, and it doesn't involve me turning a good hair day into a bad one, so just back off, ok? You want me to get wet, put it in my contract next time."

"Fine!" Dementor snarled. "Hego! Go get her!"

"Yes, sir!" Hego saluted, and jumped into the water after Kim. She was unable to outswim him with her hands bound, and when he reached her, he used his great strength to hurl her all the way back into the boat. She landed in the middle of the boat, splashing water everywhere.

"Hey! You splashed me, you big blue dummy! I swear, if you weren't my brother I would fry your a$$!" Shego yelled.

"Sorry." Hego yelled back. He swam back and hauled himself into the boat.

The three of them watched Kim more closely for the rest of the trip, not wanting a repeat performance, especially Hego, who had had to endure a number of eel bites on his way back to the boat. The boat behind them gained as they went, until they were able to make out their persuer. It was a person wearing a shinobi shozoko. The body outline made it apparent it was a man, but his features were concealed behind a traditional ninja mask, as black as the rest of his outfit.


	3. Chapter 3

Their boat made land at the base of a sheer cliff. Dementor had planned ahead here as well, preparing a thick rope secured at the top well beforehand for this very eventuality. They tied Kim to Hego, and Shego and Dementor held on to the giant as he began to climb at a blistering pace. Dementor sneered down at his pursuer, only to find that he was quickly catching up to the gang.

"He's catching up! Climb faster, you great oaf!" He screeched.

"You know, it really doesn't help to yell right in my ear. I'm climbing as fast as I can." Hego said calmly.

"Well then, climb faster than you can! You're supposed to be the strongest there is!"

"Hey, you know what would speed us up a lot?" Shego asked enthusiastically. "If you let go. We'd go a lot faster then."

"Oh, haha, enough with the jokes! Shut up unless you have something useful to say!"

"I thought it was pretty useful..." She muttered under her breath.

Hego continued to climb, mostly ignoring the nonstop stream of abuse being hurled at him from Dementor's mouth. As soon as they reached the top, Dementor got out a knife and cut the rope. The trio looked over the edge, expecting to see a ninja pancake at the bottom of the cliff. Instead, they found the mysterious stranger clinging to the side of the cliff with his bare hands, still climbing.

"Not possible!" Dementor gaped.

Shego sighed in exasperation. "You know, if it really wasn't possible, we wouldn't be watching it happen right in front of our eyes. You should probably reevaluate your choices in phrasing."

"I am being finished with the sass, now." Dementor narrowed his eyes. "I am tempted to just have Hego throw you over the side. But I'll forgive you if you wait here and kill him when he gets to the top while we move on."

"Sure, no problem. That's what you hired me for." Shego replied, undaunted. "Looks like it'll be fun."

"Your fun is not my concern. Just make sure he's dead."

"Easy, easy." She waved him off. "Just leave it to me."

Dementor and Hego took the captive and continued on their way, leaving Shego to wait for her opponent to reach the top of the cliff. Waiting was not among Shego's strong suits. She had a tendency to get bored very quickly. She fidgeted and paced as she waited, walking over to the edge and glancing down about once per minute. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Ugh, this is taking too long. HEY YOU!" She yelled down the side of the cliff. "MOVE IT ALONG, WOULDJA? I'M GONNA DIE OF BOREDOM UP HERE!"

"Oh, wouldn't that be a shame?" The man in black replied.

"HEY, SHUT UP! SARCASM'S MY SHTICK, GET YOUR OWN THING! AND HURRY UP AND GET UP HERE!"

"You sure do give a lot of orders for someone I don't have any reason to listen to." He continued to move at a moderate pace.

Shego growled and thought for a moment. "HERE, I'LL THROW YOU WHAT'S LEFT OF THE ROPE, THAT SHOULD SPEED YOU UP!"

"No thanks. Why would I accept help from someone who's just waiting around to kill me? You'd just cut the rope as soon as I put my weight on it. I have no reason to trust you."

"OH YEAH?" Shego snarled. "LISTEN YOU, EITHER YOU TAKE THE ROPE OR I START THROWING ROCKS DOWN THERE INSTEAD! THAT'LL SPEED THINGS UP, TOO!"

The man in black paused for a moment. "On second thought, I accept your gracious offer to help. Throw me the rope."

Minutes later, Shego was pulling the black-clad man to safety. He nodded to her, then, still out of breath, began to take a fighting stance.

Shego snorted. "Pfffft. No, don't try to fight me now. Wait and get your breath back. After how long I already waited, I don't want this to be over in a couple of seconds."

He shrugged and sat down in relief. "Whatever."

Shego sat as well, and they waited in silence for a few minutes, broken when she asked, "You wouldn't happen to have a red beard under that mask, would you?"

He lifted his mask away just enough to reveal a chin devoid of hair. "Why do you ask?"

"Funny story." She replied. "See, I wasn't always a criminal. I used to run a smithy. I was the best. Well, I'm the best at anything I do, so that goes without saying. But the point is, I had a reputation. I could make anything you asked me to, and the quality would be impeccable. One day, a man with a red beard and a freaky accent came to my shop and made a very strange request. He wanted two poles of steel with very uniquely shaped heads. What he wanted them for, I'll never know. I didn't like him, but he had a lot of money, so I accepted the request. I built them, and man, even for me it was good. Perfect, really. My best work. I was very proud of how I did on the 'clubs', as the guy called them. He was happy with them as well, but as soon as my back was turned for a moment, he hit me on the head with one and took off without paying. Since then, my whole mission in life has been to make that guy pay. I left my smithy and became a criminal to get better connections, so I can track this guy down. This guy I'm working for, Dementor, he's got a lot of connections. After this job, he's gonna help me find the guy, and when I find him, I'm gonna say, 'Hey, you forgot to pay for those, you ******* ****-head!"

_"HOLD IT!" Shego had been leaning against the doorway, listening, for the last few minutes. "It's great that you made me Inigo, he's definitely the coolest character, but KILLIGAN is my rival?! KILLIGAN?! Really!? That guy isn't a fit rival for a one-legged dog named Lil' Brother!"_

_At this outburst, Kim and Ron wandered into the room. "Is this where the party is, now?" Ron asked._

_"Oh, hey guys. Drakken was just telling Drago the story of The Princess Bride, only with us as the characters."_

_"Whoa, cool. Who am I?"_

_"Wesley."_

_"Badical! Wesley's the awesomest!" Ron fist-pumped._

_"Uhm, what's The Princess Bride?" Kim asked._

_Shego and Ron turned to stare at her. "You're kidding, right? You've never seen The Princess Bride? How is that even possible? It's like, one of the greatest movies of all time!" Ron said._

_"Yeah, plus your name is Princess. How could you not see it?"_

_"Uh, no, Shego. My name is Kim. Princess is just what YOU call me."_

_"Whatever."_

_"Ok, so, what's my character like in this story I don't know?" Kim asked, trying to get into it._

_"Oh, you're Buttercup. She's..." Shego and Ron looked at each other and burst out laughing. "A sterotypical...damsel...in distress!" Shego gasped out through her hysterics._

_"Wh-What?" Kim's face flamed. "Drakken, you made me a D I D character? How could you do that?" Shego and Ron just laughed harder._

_"Enough!" Drakken finally shouted. "You are all disturbing Drago's storytime! If you're going to be in here, you'll listen quietly instead of criticizing my storytelling!" The other three adults sobered up instantly. "That's better. Now, where was I?"_


	4. Chapter 4

"That seems like a lot of trouble. Wouldn't it be easier to just let it go and move on with your life?" The ninja asked

"Hey, you can't just let people pull one over on you and get away with it." Shego replied. "Once people start thinking you're a pushover, next thing you know, you're taking orders from some moron with an inferiority complex that thinks he's a genius when he's actually one of the biggest idiots on the planet." She paused. "Oh, wait..."

The man in black laughed. "You ever hear the phrase, 'putting the cart before the horse'? Sounds like a good description of the guy you're working for right now."

"Shut up. At least he's not blue."

He laughed again. "Not blue? Where did that come from? Whoever heard of a blue person anyway?"

Shego scowled. "I don't know. I just felt like saying it for some reason. Whatever! Are you ready to fight yet, or do you need a few minutes more?"

He stood and dusted himself off. "Nah, I'm good. Let's get it on!" He settled into a karate stance, left palm facing Shego, right hand in a fist by his hip.

Shego grinned. "Karate, huh? That's good, that's good. At least you know some kind of martial art. I had a feeling you did. Let's see how you handle this!" She took her own stance, hands above her head with elbows pointed toward her opponent, her weight on her left leg with her right forward and slightly off the ground, knee bent.

The man in black nodded. "Muay Thai. The favored fighting style of assassins. It fits your personality. Brutal and straightforward."

Shego's grin widened. "How rare, to find someone so knowledgable in combat. This is gonna be fun! You ready?"

"Bring it."

Shego wasted no time, beginning the fight with a flying knee strike that would've ended it before it even really began if it had landed. To her delight, it did not. The ninja dodged it with ease. She gave him no time to follow up the advantage, though, striking out with first her left, then her right elbow in equally dangerous attacks. He danced backwards, then as she pursued, drove her back with a foot to the solar plexus. She shook off the blow and continued her relentless attack.

The fight continued in similar manner. It was a mismatch, Shego knew from the start. In Muay Thai, every strike is designed to kill. Any given blow had the potential to end the fight. Karate, on the other hand, is designed to use the opponent's strength against them, to wear them down while avoiding damage. The fighting styles favored the ninja, which was, in fact, the very reason Shego had decided to use Muay Thai. Ordinarily, her vastly greater skill would win her the fight in spite of any handicap she gave herself, but she had finally, finally found an opponent on her own level. She was ecstatic.

The ninja could see the joy on her face, and it was puzzling to him. "Why are you so happy? We both know you're losing this fight."

"Because I have a secret." She suddenly broke away with a series of backflips. "Muay Thai is not my style of choice. In fact, of the styles I use, it's the one I have mastered the least." She took a new stance, left leg in front of the right, both hands just in front of her body, palms facing downwards. "Now, let's see how you do when I fight you for real."

The ninja attacked, and they began trading blows once again. This time, it was the ninja who could not land any strikes of significance, while Shego was able to throw and strike him at will, countering everything he could throw at her. After a particularly vicious palm strike to his chin, the ninja broke away with a great leap backwards, using the momentum of the strike to put extra distance between them. He landed about fifteen feet away, breathing heavily.

"Well, it's been tons of fun, but I think it's time to end this." Shego said regretfully. "Thanks for the fight. It was probably the best I'll ever have in my life. Sorry I gotta kill you now."

"I think I can help you feel less sorry. By not dying."

Shego laughed. "You really think you still have a chance? Come on, you're pretty good, but we both know your karate won't save you now."

"Of course it won't. I don't even know karate. I was just copying moves I've seen other people do."

"What?! You expect me to believe that you've been fighting me with a style you've never even studied or trained in?"

"Whether your mind believes that or not, your body will learn soon enough." His stance changed, knees bent and body angled, arms in the air and palms facing up, one hand in front and one behind.

"What the **** kind of stance is that?! I've never seen anything like it, you look like a **** monkey! Are you messing with me right now?"

"Come find out." He beckoned his opponent with his forward hand.

Shego snarled and attacked once again. She tried to end the fight immediately with a throw that would break his neck on impact, but impossibly, she found herself flying through the air instead. She rolled with the landing to lessen the damage, but before she even came to her feet again she was flying through the air once more from a kick to her back. She had no time to breathe or even think, the strikes coming faster than she had previously thought humanly possible. She fought with all her skill and training, better than she ever had in her life, but it was all she could do to defend.

She knew the end was coming quickly, so in a last-ditch effort to turn the tide, she tried to predict his next move and put everything she had into a counterpunch. Just when it seemed it would land and she smiled in victory, he disappeared and her fist met air. Then she felt arms close around her neck, and she knew it was over.

"Go ahead. Finish it." She said stoically.

"You know, you put on an evil front, but I don't think you're nearly as bad as you want people to think. You should try being a little more honest with yourself." His grip tightened, cutting off the flow of blood to the brain, just long enough to knock her out. "You're going to have one heck of a headache when you wake up, but hey, at least you're going to wake up. Thanks for the fight, I had fun too." He laid her gently on the ground and went on his way.


	5. Chapter 5

Dementor glanced backwards along the path, thinking that it was about time Shego finished off her opponent and set out to rejoin them. What he saw off in the distance was not the green-clad figure he was expecting.

"Nien! It is not possible!"

Kim snickered. "You know, I think that green chick was right. You sound like a broken record."

"I don't recall ordering the captive with the EXTRA SASS, thank you very much! Hego, gag!"

"Okay, but fair warning...most people don't seem to appreciate my humor. Knock, knock."

Dementor stared at his enormous minion. "What knock? There is no door here."

"See, that's exactly what I meant. You're supposed to say, 'who's there'."

"But I can see you right in front of me. Why would I ask who's there? Wait, no! You are distracting me, you simpleton! Take this and shove it in her mouth!" He handed Hego a cloth.

"Oh." Hego's brow furrowed. "But if I do that, how would she talk?"

"AAAAAGH!" Dementor grabbed the cloth out of Hego's hand and gagged Kim. "I am being sick of dealing with you. You stay here and kill that ninja, I will be taking the captive."

"Right," said Hego confidently. Then he paused. "How do I do that?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe SQUASH HIM WITH A BOULDER! That one there should do." He pointed to a rock the size of a house.

"Oh yeah, that would work." Hego hefted the rock above his head, tossing it up and catching it a couple of times.

"Good. Do not fail me." Dementor took the captive and continued down the trail.

Hego prepared to wait for his victim, but as he stood there, boulder in his hands, his face screwed up in thought. "This doesn't seem very fair..."

**KRPSKRPSKRPSKRPS**

The pirate ninja rounded a curve and came to a sudden stop, as a gigantic boulder found a new home just inches to the side of him.

"Hello," said the giant blue man, holding another enormous rock above his head.

"Hello," the ninja replied nervously. Anxious to keep this conversation going and avoid the probable result at the end of it, he inquired, "How are you today?"

"Oh, I'm just fine." The big man frowned as he tossed the rock up a couple of times, which the ninja watched in facination. "Or, I was fine, until my employer told me to kill you. I don't really like killing people. That's something villains do, and I've always thought of myself as more of a hero. On the other hand, a good employee always follows the boss's orders. I'm in a bit of a quandary, here."

"I see." The ninja nodded sagely. "Well, if you're conflicted about this, I can help you out. I vote not to die."

"I thought you might say that." Hego nodded. "That's why I came up with a solution. We compete. The loser agrees to give up. I win, you stop chasing us. I think that will be enough for my boss. You win, I let you go."

"And what is the nature of this competition?"

"Arm wrestling."

"You're kidding." Hego shook his head no. "Arm wrestling." Hego shook his head yes. "And what makes you think I'll agree to this?" A loud crash, and another giant boulder landed inches away from the ninja on the other side. Hego picked up another rock.

"As it happens, I love arm wrestling. It's my favorite sport." The ninja said enthusiastically.

Hego smiled. "Mine, too! What a coincidence!" He tossed away the rock.

"Though I don't think it's a very fair match in this particular case."

Hego thought about this. "Maybe not. Usually I arm wrestle six or more at a time. Just one opponent may be a little weird." He brightened. "I got it! I will follow the rules of arm wrestling. No moving my elbow, no getting up, no shifting my grip, no bracing with my off-arm. You can ignore all the rules. If the back of my hand touches, I lose, no matter how you make it happen." He settled across from the man in black with a likely rock between them and put his arm up on it. "Good enough?"

"I guess I can't ask for a better deal than that." The man in black stood on the rock and grabbed Hego's hand with both of his, preparing to lean back and put all his body weight on the limb. "Just tell me when."

"One...two...three...go!"

The ninja immediately threw all his strength into the attempt to get Hego's arm to budge, straining his back and leg muscles. It didn't move a centimenter. He relaxed his muscles slightly and tried again. Nothing. Meanwhile, Hego's arm and face showed no sign of strain whatsoever.

"Say, you're pretty strong. Usually I can't even tell someone's there when I do this, but I can feel it a little right now."

"Aren't you...gonna..push back?" The ninja asked between grunts of effort.

"Oh, yeah! Right! I was having so much fun I forgot." Hego's hand began to move downwards excruciatingly slowly, taking both of the black-clad hands with it. The giant still showed no visible signs of strain.

The ninja abandoned his pulling position and placed his entire body beneath the blue hand, pushing up with all his might with both hands and feet. A blue glow surrounded him, and the hand stopped it's decent.

Hego was startled. "That's amazing! You're even stronger than I thought! Is it because of that weird glow around you? You know, I always thought I'd look good with a blue glow around me. Think you could teach me? After I beat you, of course." His muscles finally began to show some strain, and the hand began its decent once more.

"Sorry...but...I can't...afford...to lose...here!" The ninja suddenly shifted his grip, putting all the stress on just Hego's pinky. Hego, according to the rules, could not shift his own grip to compensate. His hand began moving back up.

"Well, that seems like a dirty trick, but I did give you permission, so I guess it's okay. Don't think you've finished me yet, though! Your position only gives you upward force. It will lose all its power once we get back to the top. What will you do then?"

"This!" As soon as the hand reached it's original position, the ninja flipped over top of it and landed on the other side, mantaining the two hand on one pinky grip. He grabbed the rock they used as a table with both his legs for leverage and pulled, the blue glow growing even brighter.

Hego gasped as he felt a strain he had never known on his pinky. For the first time in his life, he felt the feeling of muscles unable to complete a task asked of them. Inexorably, his hand went down, and down, and down, until...the back of his hand touched the rock.

The ninja let go and collapsed on the ground, panting. Hego stared at his pinky in disbelief. He used his other hand to wiggle it back and forth. "Is this...muscle exhaustion? It feels...numb. Strange."

The man in black laughed the hysterical laughter of the utterly drained. "Yeah...what you're feeling in your pinky right now, I'm feeling in my entire body. You're a monster, man."

Hego glanced at his fellow competitor. "Well, you won. You're free to go. I think I'll just stay here and bask in this feeling right now. It feels kind of...good." He turned his gaze back to his pinky and wiggled it around some more.


	6. Chapter 6

Lord Monkeyfist was able to conjecture the most likely path the kidnappers would take, and he brought his men to the top of the cliff, where Shego had fought the black-clad ninja. He examined the ground carefully.

"There has been a great battle here. A fight between two master martial artists. From the stances, it seems one used traditional Karate while the other used Muay Thai. The Karate user had the advantage, until the other switched to Akido. This prompted another change of style, to a secret art only I and a few others in the world know, the Tai Shing Pek Kwar, which was used to completely overwhelm the Akido user. The winner continued down the path, while the loser wandered off in the other direction."

"Ach, an' I never ken how you do that. Shall we be followin' the loser or the winner, then?" His right-hand man asked.

"The loser matters not at all. We pursue the winner, who will certainly lead us to my future bride. If only we are in time! Surely, this must have all been planned by warriors of Yamanouchi, the eternal enemies of our land. They have violated our treaty with this heinous act! If my bride is harmed when we find her...I will make them pay. War is not too dear a price for justice. Let us ride!"

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

The ninja came around a bend, only to find...

"Stop right where you are, mine tenacious friend." Dementor sat about fifty feet away with Kim in his lap, hands still bound and now blindfolded, a knife held to her neck. The ninja slowed his approach.

"I think you may have misunderstood my intentions."

"What I UNDERSTAND is that you're an annoying little troublemaker who likes to throw monkey wrenches into my plans. No one does that to me! So yes, keep approaching. See what it gets you." The knife dug into Kim's neck a little, drawing blood, and she flinched. The ninja stopped moving altogether.

"Let me cut you a deal."

"NO! DEALS!" Dementor shouted. "I win, or you lose! These are the only outcomes I will accept!"

"So...a standoff, then?"

_Kim was clearly agitated, and growing more so by the minute. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. "This is so stupid and unrealistic! Why doesn't she just knock the knife out of his hands?"_

_Ron put his arms around her placatingly. "Kim, relax. It's just a story. Besides, that is actually a realistic situation. A normal person doesn't fight back when there's a knife digging into their neck."_

_Her brow crinkled. "Really? Cause I would definitely fight back. And I'm just your basic, average girl, so..."_

_Shego laughed uproariously at that. "Kimmie, I have no idea who told you that, but you are the exact opposite of a basic, average girl. See, normal people have this thing called 'the fear of death'."_

_"That's stupid." She snorted. "Why bother being afraid of something unavoidable? Fear of public speaking makes much more sense."_

_"People, please!" Said Drakken. "You're interrupting again! Kim, I apprieciate that you don't seem to identify with the character that I've given your name to, but this story has already been written. I'm not changing it, so get used to it...and stop interrupting! This story is for Drago, not for you lot!"_

_"Sorry, shutting up now." Kim said contritely._

"Of course we will be standing off. You can't outsmart me, and I can't defeat you in battle."

The ninja perked up. "Ahhh, you really think I can't outsmart you, eh? I'm pretty smart, though."

"Psssha. Your so-called smart cannot hold a candle to my brilliance! I am the smartest man who ever lived!"

"That's quite a claim. How about you put your money where your mouth is, smart guy? A riddle contest, for the princess. If I win, you give her up. If you win, I'll go away and never bother you again."

"I accept! What are the terms of this contest?"

"We take turns giving each other riddles. The game continues until one of us guesses the other's riddle and the other is unable to guess his in the same round. Sound fair?"

"These are acceptable terms. Who goes first?"

"Since I picked the game and the rules, you can pick." The ninja sat across from Dementor and Kim.

"I will go first then."

_This thing all things devours:_

_Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;_

_Gnaws iron, bites steel;_

_Grinds hard stones to meal;_

_Slays king, ruins town,_

_And beats high mountain down._

"You say you're 'pretty smart', eh? Try figuring that one out." Dementor sneered.

The ninja seemed troubled. He hemmed and hawed, and finally said, "Okay, I have no idea. I give up. What's the answer?"

"Time, of course!" Dementor gloated.

"Ohhhhh, that makes sense." The ninja nodded sagely. "Good one."

"You were a fool to challenge me in a game of wits. Now hurry and give me your riddle so I can put you in your place and be done with this farce!"

"Sure." The ninja deliberately put his hand into his pocket, making sure Dementor was watching. "What have I got in my pocket?"

Dementor scowled. "That's not a proper riddle at all, but I'll answer and finish the game immediately. A hand!"

"Close." In a move almost too fast to see and certainly too fast for Dementor to react to, the man in black whipped his hand out of his pocket and backhanded Dementor across the jaw, knocking him unconscious. Kim flinched involuntarily as she felt the knife drop away from her neck. "It was a fist."

"You cheated." She said disapprovingly as he pulled her blindfold off and cut her bonds.

"Pirate." He responded simply, grabbing her arm and shoving her roughly down the path.


	7. Chapter 7

"There has been a titanic contest of strength here." Monkeyfist said, examining cracks in the rock. "A struggle between two men of immense power. One was surely the same who defeated the martial artist. The other..." He looked more closely at the stress fracture where Hego had placed his elbow. "...was enormous. A veritable mountain of a man."

"About 6'5?" Bob the henchman asked.

"Why, yes." Monkeyfist replied in surprise, still examining the rock.

"Arms about twice as thick as his legs?"

"Indeed. Very good." Monkeyfist responded approvingly.

"Wearing blue clothes?"

"Well, of course, wearing-now how would I know that?!" Monkeyfist rounded on his henchman. Bob simply pointed at Hego, who was watching the fiasco from a little ways away. "Oh."

He approached the giant. "I say, good man. Did you happen to arm-wrestle someone recently?"

"I sure did. It was a lot of fun. He was the strongest guy I've ever met. How'd you know?"

"Nevermind that." Monkeyfist waved him off. "Which way did he go?"

"That way." Hego pointed down the path. "Did you want to challenge him too? I don't really think you've got a chance, but I admire your spirit. Good luck."

"Certainly." Monkeyfist hesitated. "Before I go...how would you like to join my army?"

"Might as well." Hego said with a shrug. "I've recently become unemployed, and I wasn't really sure what to do next, so this is pretty convenient for me. Thanks."

"Indeed. You there!" Monkeyfist called out to Bob. "This man has just joined the army. Take him to the nearest outpost and get him settled in. Everyone else, ride on!" They all remounted and galloped down the path.

Hego and Bob watched them go, and Hego shook his head. "He doesn't stand a chance."

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Meanwhile, Kim was getting sick of being manhandled. "Quit shoving me, you neanderthal!"

"You're not in a position to make demands,  _Princess_." The man in black responded with venomous sarcasm.

She tried a different tack. "You would be wise to let me go. Lord Monkeyfist is a world-renowned tracker. There is no way you're getting out of this alive."

He snorted. "I'm not scared of the aptly named Monkeyfist. Speaking of which, you are a sick person. How could you be attracted to someone with a face like a monkey? What are you, a deviant?"

Kim felt an obligation to defend her betrothed's appearance, but she could not actually bring herself to do so. "I never claimed to be attracted to him." She finally said resentfully.

"Ah, of course. It's the money. It's always the money. What a gold digger." He spat out spitefully.

"No! You...you...you nasty, evil person! You might as well take off that mask right now, I know exactly who you are. No one else could be so evil. You are the Pirate Ninja Hirotaka, admit it!"

"Of course!" He spread his arms theatrically. "What of it?"

"You killed my love!" She hissed.

"Maybe. Maybe." He nodded and stroked his chin. "I've killed a lot of people, though. You'll have to be a bit more specific."

"His name was Ron. He was average looking, a bit clumsy, and...and mine. He was mine." She choked back a sob.

"Ahhhh, Ron. Now that does seem to ring a bell. Probably better I killed him though, wouldn't you say?"

"No, I woudn't. How could you even say something so awful?"

"Well, at least now he doesn't have to see your betrayal. He clearly loved you far more than you loved him. Tell me, did you get engaged to Monkeyfist the day you heard of his death, or did you wait an entire week out of respect for the dead?"

Kim shook with rage and sorrow. "I hate you." She whispered. "I hate you. I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

They stood on the edge of a very steep incline, nearly straight down, at the bottom of which was the dreaded Fire Swamp. With her final scream, Kim pushed the pirate over the edge with all her strength. As he tumbled down head over heels, he yelled out one word. "BOOOOOOYAAAAAAAAH!"

Kim blanched. "Ron!" She thew herself after him.

_"Knew it." Drago said smugly._

_"Oh, you did, did you?" Said Drakken skeptically._

_"Of course. It was obvious. He was jealous because she got engaged to another guy and he wanted to make her feel bad. Typical stupid couple behavior."_

_"And where, pray tell, have you seen this 'typical stupid couple behavior?'" Drakken asked, unsubtly eyeing Shego._

_"Yeah, Drago, where have you-hey, why are you looking at me? I'm not the jealous type!" Shego protested._

_"Oh, really? What about last week when you picked that woman up and slammed her into the wall?"_

_"Hey, now, that was totally warranted! She was totally flirting with you!" She said defensively. "I mean, who just says hi to someone they've never met out of nowhere?"_

_"She was a Walmart greeter, Shego! That's her job!"_

_"Well, she didn't have to do it so enthusiastically." Shego grumbled. "Besides, you're ten times worse than I am."_

_"I am not." Said Drakken regally. "I show proper restraint."_

_"Restraint. Huh. Is that what you call it when you throw Drago's swimming intructor into the pool and then freeze it solid?"_

_Drakken purpled in anger at the memory. "That oaf is lucky I didn't use my heat ray instead of my freeze ray, with how he was looking at you! I paid him to teach my son to swim, not to ogle my wife!"_

_"Look, can we just agree that Drago has seen plenty of examples of 'stupid couple behavior?'" Kim interjected placatingly._

_"Ahem. Yes, well, I suppose that might be the case." Drakken said with a bit of embarrassment. "Moving on."_


	8. Chapter 8

Lord Monkeyfist and his entourage rode up to the scene of the riddle contest. Dementor lay on the ground, still unconscious.

After a quick examination without dismounting, Monkeyfist said, "Our quarry has clearly pulled some manner of trickery here to approach this poor soul and dispatch him without incident. A shame he did not survive, or he may have given us vital information."

"Actually, he's not quite dead, sir!" A henchman said, checking Dementor's breathing.

Monkeyfist rolled his eyes. "A shame he has been mortally wounded and is comatose, or we may have learned more."

"Actually, he may pull through, sir!"

"I...see..."

"He seems to be coming around, sir!"

"Hmm. Yes. A shame that, having survived such a horrendous wound and making a seeming recovery, he was tragically met with a sudden unforseeable death," He jerked his head at Killigan. Moments later, there was a meaty thunk. "Or we might have questioned him."

"He's dead now, sir!"

"Indeed. Ride on, men!"

**KPRSKPRSKPRS**

At the bottom of the cliff, at the entrance to the fire swamp, Kim and Ron were getting reacquainted. The manner in which they did so at first would be unseemly to describe, but lets just say that involved their mouths, and it wasn't talking.

_"Dad." Said Drago patronizingly. "You don't have to talk around it. It's not like I've never seen you and Mom kissing before."_

_"Maybe so, but there's no reason to go into detail about it, now is there?" Drakken said dismissively._

_"Dude, the romance is a huge part of the story. You can't just gloss over it like that." Ron protested._

_"It's my story, I can tell it how I want!" Drakken pouted._

_"Yeah, but why would you-"_

_"You guys don't get it." Shego cut Ron off. "He's EMBARRASSED. You'd think after fifteen years of marriage to ME he'd be over it, but he's still a blushing, virgin schoolboy at heart."_

_"I am not! I just don't feel like putting in the effort for something with such little import to the plot!"_

_"Oh yeah? Then sit back and relax, and I'LL put in the effort for this part!"_

Ron's mask had come off during the fall, leaving his face exposed. Kim hungrily attacked his lips with her own, the two attempting to devour each other in their desperation for physical contact. She gasped into his mouth as his hands slid under her shirt-

_"SHEGO!" Shego was startled out of her trancelike state by the shout. The three adults were red-faced. Drakken had his hands over Drago's ears, who looked very annoyed about that fact. "There is nothing that explicit in the original story!"_

_"Yeah, that was the only thing missing from it if you ask me. A few steamy scenes would've put it over the top."_

_"Um, I'm not familiar with the story, but I thought it was supposed to be family friendly?" Kim said, looking at Drago significantly._

_"Well it-" Shego followed her eyes. "Oh. Ohhhh. Right. I think I'd better hand the reigns back to you, dear."_

_"And not a moment too soon." Said Drakken in relief._

So, after making perfectly PG kissyface, Kim and Ron decided to press through the Fire Swamp. Ron filled Kim in on what had happened to him as they went.

"Our ship was captured as you heard, but for some reason, Hirotaka took a liking to me. Rather than kill me outright, he took me captive. We spent a lot of time together talking about various things, and he even taught me a secret Art known as the Tai Shing Pek Kwar, which, as it turned out, I had a natural talent for. I was better than him in no time. One day, we came into port, and he took me aside. 'Ron,' he said to me, 'I am actually not the original Pirate Ninja Hirotaka. I inherited the title from another, and now I would like to pass it on to you. I have enough money to live the rest of my life comfortably, and I have lost the taste for piracy.' He then fired his whole crew, hired a new one, introducing me as the Pirate Ninja Hirotaka and himself as a cabin boy, and left the ship at the next dock. Of course, the first thing I did was come looking for you."

"Amazing." Said Kim. "The timing was terribly convenient. You just so happened to be free again just in time to pursue my kidnappers. What an amazing coincidence."

"Yes, that kind of thing seems to happen to the good guys, doesn't it? The villains never get a lucky break like that, but the heroes-"

_"Dude. Not cool." Said Ron with a head shake. "Stay in character please. No personal bias."_

_"Fine." Drakken grumbled guiltily._

As they entered the Fire Swamp, Ron told Kim, "You'll have to be very careful. This place is legendary for its three dangers. I will try to keep you safe, but you must be on your toes."

"No big." Kim was confident in her ability to stay on her toes.

There was a crackling noise. "Watch out!" Ron shouted in alarm. He spun to pull Kim from danger, but she had already leaped away from the fire erupting from the ground.

"Like I said, no big. So, I guess that's why they call it the Fire Swamp. Doesn't seem that dangerous to me, though. Hear a crackle, move away from flame. Pretty simple."

"Yes, but it's not that-"

There was a series of crackles. Kim backflipped, cartwheeled, flared and pirouetted, dodging them all with ease. As she avoided the last one, she turned back to Ron, now quite a ways behind her. "See?" She said smugly, taking a step backwards.

"Kim, no!" Ron yelled, but it was too late. She had fallen prey to the second of the Fire Swamp's dangers, the lighting sand, disappearing in an instant.

Ron did not hesitate. He grabbed a vine, wrapped it around himself, and dived into the sand after Kim. After a couple of agonizing minutes that would be much more nerve-wracking to watch than to hear about, they both emerged, gasping and spitting out sand, out of breath but alive.

"Well," Said Ron when he could speak again, "I think the worst is behind us now. We've survived two of the Fire Swamp's dangers."

"What about the third?" Kim asked worridly.

"Rodents of unusual size? I doubt they even exist."

Even as he finished speaking, a giant hairless pink rodent with two enormous buck teeth jumped on him, bearing him to the ground. It hissed and snapped at him, barely held away from decapitating him with a single bite by his forearm under its neck. He could not, however, prevent the claws from ravaging the rest of his body. With a grunt of supreme effort, he flipped it over him, slamming it brutally into a tree. It let out a squeak of pain, then hissed at him again. Kim watched it all with her hands over her mouth in fear, completely helpless.

The two combatents circled each other warily, Ron eyeing those dangerous teeth, the rodent eyeing his midsection. It hissed again.

"Angry little thing, aren't you?" Ron said.

"Ron, wait!" Kim yelled in a burst of inspiration. "I think he's actually saying something."

"Is he?" It hissed once more. "I think you're right! Sounds like he's saying..."

"Cheese!"

"Hold it!" Ron held up his hands as the rodent began to charge at him, and miraculously, it stopped. He reached into his waist pouch and pulled out a naco. "Is this what you were after?" It hissed and chittered and seemed to nod. "Okay, just calm down, now."

Ever so slowly, he reached out the hand with the food. Equally slowly, the rodent leaned forward. Then, in one quick movement, it snapped up the food and ran away chittering.

"What a relief, to get out of that without losing anything important." Kim said. Off in the distance, they heard a gleeful voice shouting "CHEESE!"

"Says you." Ron said remorsefully. "That was my last naco."


	9. Chapter 9

Kim breathed a sigh of relief as the scenery changed from swampland to a much safer forestlike atmosphere. Her relief was short-lived. Minutes after leaving the the dreaded Fire Swamp behind them, Kim and Ron were surrounded by Monkeyfist's soldiers. Ron spun in circles with Kim behind him, trying to keep more than fifty men at bay at once.

"You've proven a worthy adversary, but it's over now. You are caught. Surrender quietly." Monkeyfist said.

"Yeah, speaking of which, how did you guys catch up to us? It takes days to go around the Fire Swamp, even on horseback. That's the whole reason I cut through there despite the danger. So how did you get here ahead of us?"

Monkeyfist held up a finger. "Well of course, we...wait, how DID we get here first, Killigan?"

"Ya got me." Killigan shrugged. He pulled out a map outlining the routes the two parties had taken, clearly showing their own route cutting off at the entrance to the Fire Swamp. "By all accounts, it doesn't make sense."

"Nevermind. It doesn't matter. However it happened, you've been caught. Give up."

"Maybe I'm the one that's caught YOU. Ever think of that? You're the one that needs to give up." Ron responded.

"Very well. Kill him."

"WAIT!" Kim shouted. Miraculously, all the soldiers listened to her. Or maybe it was just that no one wanted to be the first to attack the clearly deadly ninja. Either way, everyone stopped. "If we surrender, will you let him go?"

"Of course!" said Monkeyfist.

"Kim, no! We can't do that!" Ron said.

"Ron. I already lost you once. I can't go through that again so soon. Please, just give up and live." Kim pleaded. Ron did not speak, but niether did he resist as the soldiers restrained him. She turned to Monkeyfist. "He has a ship. Please see to it that he gets to it safely."

Monkeyfist nodded sympathetically. "Of course. Killigan, you know what to do."

"Yes, m'lord." As Kim and Monkeyfist disappeared from sight along with some of the soldiers, Killigan turned his attention to the captive. "Well now, Mr. Pirate. We'd best be gettin' to yer ship now, eh?"

"You don't really think I believe that for one second, do you?"

"I suppose not." Killigan sighed. "Ah, the tragedy of two lovers torn apart by fate. 'Tis sad indeed. Breaks me poor heart, it does."

Ron listened with interest. "That's quite the accent you have there. And what a red beard you have. And I don't think I've ever seen weapons quite like those two you've got."

"Aye? So?" Killigan said suspiciously.

"You might want to start taking out a life-insurance policy right about now."

Killigan's answer was a thunk to the back of the head.

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

It was done. The entire Kingdom had turned out to celebrate the union of their ruler to the renowned and beloved peasant, Kim. Everyone cheered and showered the couple with adulation. Kim was filled with inner turmoil, but in the end, there had been no other option. At least the people were happy. All except one person. A young woman, tan and fit with short brown hair, pushed her way to the front of the crowd to yell something quite different than what the masses were saying. And such was her charisma that soon all other noise around her stopped, making her the focus of everyone's attention, her voice the only audible sound for miles.

"Booooooooo! Booooooooo! Don't cheer for this loser! She's just trash! Booooooo!"

Kim's heart clenched in her chest, for the contrary woman's spite reflected her own feelings on the situation much more strongly than the celebration. Nevertheless, she attempted to defend herself. "Why would you say those things? I haven't done anything wrong."

The woman laughed venomously. "Nothing wrong?! How many people get a chance at true love? I mean, sure, he was a loser too, but he loved you! And you claimed to love him too, but then you went and threw it all away, like trash. And that's what you are. Trash. Trash. Trash. Trash." She started chanting, raising her arms rhythmically and turning to the crowd around her, until everyone was chanting with her. "Trash, trash, trash, trash, trash, trash!"

_"Was there really a character just like Bonnie in this story?" Kim whispered to Ron."_

_"No, she wasn't just like Bonnie. The story character was like this ugly old witch made of pure hatred that thrives on and feeds the hatred of everyone around her...okay, yeah, nevermind. She was pretty much exactly like Bonnie. Huh. Drakken's pretty sharp about that kind of thing, I guess."_

Kim awakened with a gasp. It was a dream. The wedding was still a ways away. And now, after hearing so clearly from her inner voice, she knew that she could not live with herself if she allowed it to happen. The self-hatred would destroy her. She resolved to beg release from her promise of Lord Monkeyfist, who seemed a kind and honorable sort.

"You don't wish to marry me?" Monkeyfist inquired, pokerfaced.

"Yes. I'm sorry, but I only agreed to the marriage because I believed my true love was dead. The pirate who was with me was my true love, and I know now that I can't marry anyone else."

"I see." said Monkeyfist. "So the two of you are destined lovers. Well, far be it from me to stand in the way of true love."

"So you'll break off the engagement?" Kim asked eagerly.

"How about this. If he is you true love, he will come for you, yes?"

"Yes."

"I will send word out to him. The wedding will stay on schedule, but if he comes we will call it off. However, if he does not come, he was never your true love to begin with, and the wedding will take place as planned. Is that acceptable?"

"Fine." Kim agreed.

"Very well. I will make the arrangements to spread word far and wide for the Pirate Ninja Hirotaka to come claim his true love."

"Thank you so much! You are very kind."

"Indeed."


	10. Chapter 10

Ron awakened to the sound of whirring machinery. He groaned and raised his head, but could not lift his arms. He was chained to the wall in a dimly lit laboratory of some sort.

"Ah, yer finally awake, are ye?" Killigan glanced up from his work on the machine facing Ron.

"What is this place? A torture chamber of some sort? It's pointless. I won't talk, and I don't have any information you might want anyway."

"No, no, nothin' like that. It's me game room!"

"Game room." Ron repeated skeptically.

"Aye! The greatest game in the history of man, invented by myself, of course. Golf!"

"Never heard of it."

"Aye, and there's the trouble. But soon it will be the most popular game in the entire world! I, of course, already mastered it years ago. These days I work on golf accessories. Like this one." He finished fiddling with the machine and wiped his brow. "There. All finished." He looked at Ron significantly. Ron looked back at him. He threw down his tools. "Oh, come on!"

Ron sighed long-sufferingly. "Okay, fine. What is it?" He asked with exaggerated interest.

"So glad you asked!" Killigan patted his machine proudly. "It's an automatic driver!"

"What, like driving horses, driver?"

"Nay. 'Driving' be a golfing term, laddie, referring to the most powerful strike of the ball, sending it hundreds of feet. This machine can hit three drives per second! Want to see it in action? What'm I saying, of course you do! That's what you're here for, after all, eh?"

Killigan yelled 'fore!' and threw the switch. Ron didn't know what fore meant. Maybe it was for the number of Killigans he saw when the machine was turned off.

"So there it be! What dya think, laddie?"

A groan of pain answered him.

"Aye. Good point. I'll get right to work on upping the power, then."

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Meanwhile, Shego was nursing a pint at a tavern deep in the woods, and a headache from the many pints that had been nursed for too short a time the day before. A wise man would see the scowl on her face and steer clear. The captain of the boot squad was not quite so wise as all that.

"You there!"

"**** off." She replied without turning from her drink.

"You can't be here!" The captain grabbed her shoulder in what was probably an attempt to forcibly remove her from the premises. What happened instead was that she flipped him onto the ground face first and kicked him in the back of the head, knocking him out cold, without ever leaving her seat.

From behind her she heard the sound of many swords being drawn. She sighed. "You reeeeeaaaally don't wanna do this, boys."

"We have our orders."

"If you were ordered to jump off a cliff, would you do that, too? This isn't any different, when it comes down to it, except this way will be more painful."

"We have a trump card. Hego! Get in here! We've got a difficult one!"

Shego finally turned from her drink in surprise. "Hego?"

Hego ducked his way into the tavern. "Oh, hey sis. What's up? Oh no, you're drinking again? I told you you need to quit that. It's terrible for you."

"You're not mom, Hego, God! Get off my back already, I'm in a bad spot, okay?"

The lieutenant looked back and forth between the siblings. "Wait, so you two are..."

"Yep. He's my brother." Shego turned a ghastly grin on him. "So what were you saying about a trump card..."

Seconds later, Shego and Hego were alone in the tavern.

"I don't know what to do. Dementor was my best bet on finding this guy, and I have no idea what happened to him." Shego lamented into her mug.

"Give me that." Hego ripped the drink away from Shego. She reached for it, but he held her off with one hand and poured it out with the other. "As it happens, I found out about the guy you're looking for. Red hair and beard with an accent, right?"

Shego stopped trying to reach around her mountain of a brother to steal her mug back. "What? Really? You found him? Just like that?"

"Yep. He's my boss. We'll, he's really my boss's boss's boss, but you get it. Second in command to Monkeyfist. Goes by the name of Killigan."

"Hmmm. Time to pay Monkeyfist a little visit."


	11. Chapter 11

Kim looked into the mirror in her bedroom, the face looking back at her a very sad one. When Monkeyfist had first agreed to call off the wedding, she had been ecstatic, expecting Ron to show up any day. However, each passing day since had worn away a bit of her happiness, finally leaving her not only despondent, but also with an increasing certainty that she had been, perhaps, a bit naive.

"Good news, my dear." Monkeyfist said as he entered the room. "Antonio has agreed to do the catering for our wedding, even given the short notice. He made me pay double, and upfront with no refunds, of course, but it's a small price to pay for the best food on the continent."

"A large price to pay for a wedding that may not happen at all, though." Kim returned acidly.

That gave Monkeyfist pause. "Well, maybe I just think you're worth the risk." He tried smoothly.

"Or maybe you think there's no risk at all, because you never sent word to Ron to begin with." Kim snapped. "Well, guess what. It doesn't matter, because Ron will be there anyway. I was only going to marry you in the first place because I thought you were a nice person, but now that I know you're not, I feel no guilt at all in telling you that your monkey face is ugly!"

"You will take that back!" Monkeyfist hissed.

"I will not! And you know what else? Bananas are disgusting!"

Monkeyfist trembled with rage. "You will regret your careless words, girl!" He stormed from the room.

KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS

"Ah, there it is!" Killigan said, putting the final touches on his machine. "The maximum power output is ten times the original design, now! Isn't that great news? Oh, now don't be given' me that look, laddie. I've got multiple settings on it this time. After all, we can't have my fine young volunteer tester expiring on me, can we? We've got many long years of testing many more machines before us. Exciting, yes?"

Monkeyfist burst into the room, immediately getting right in Ron's face. "Your little girlfriend is being quite the pain in my backside. Unfortunately, I can't take it out on her...yet. You will suffer my wrath in her stead. How noble of you. You can keep your true love and take it right into the grave with you!"

He forcefully threw the lever on the machine to maximum power and turned it on.

KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS

Shego and Hego tramped through the forest outside Monkeyfist Castle, the distaff of the pair of siblings letting off a constant stream of epithets of the vulgar variety.

"Language, sis." Hego said for the hundredth time.

"Shut the **** up, Hego! I have a right to be pissed! I finally find the piece of **** who ripped me off-"

"Um, actually, I found him."

Shego went on as if he hadn't spoken. "-and I can't get near him because of the stupid wedding security!"

"You could just wait until the wedding is over." Hego pointed out.

"**** that, I've already waited years for this, I'm not waiting any more!"

"I don't see what choice you have. The two of us can't get past 1000 armed guards." Hego said reasonably.

"Maybe not." Shego calmed down thoughtfully. "But you know who could? That pirate ninja guy."

"He probably could," Hego acknowledged. "But how do you plan to find him, and why would he bother to help us?"

"What, are you stupid? He'll help us because that chick he's into is being forced to marry Monkeyfist. I'm sure he's already trying to find a way in. If you really think about it, it's us who will be helping him. Now, as far as how we'll find him..."

A death scream echoed through the forest.

"We'll just wait for a convenient plot device to drop him into our laps! That always works. Come on, it came from this direction!"

But when they followed the source of the sound, all they found were trees, trees, and more trees.

"He's somewhere around here, I know it!" Shego said, growing more frustrated by the second.

"Calm down, Shego. You raging isn't helping anything. Maybe you should meditate and find your inner guiding spirit or something." Hego suggested.

"Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! I'LL SHOW YOU CALM!" Shego exploded, shooting massive flames out in every direction. Hego ducked and cowered behind a conveniently placed boulder as the forest burned around him.

Shego finally calmed down at the sight of the destruction around her. "Huh. Didn't know I could do that." She said, staring in awe at her hands. The fire burned down to ash in seconds, leaving a bare area of about half a mile, but the rest of the forest untouched. A quick glance around revealed that one of the trees had been hollowed out, a descending staircase in the center of it. "Hah! Found it! Who said me raging never helped anything, huh?"

Hego left the safety of his boulder to take a look at the discovery. "I stand corrected."


	12. Chapter 12

"He's dead."

"Don't be ridiculous. He's not dead, he's just sleeping...without breathing...or a pulse...and dried blood all over his mouth that clearly came from extensive internal injuries...but he's not dead! I know he's not because I need him to be alive, and I'm clearly the hero of this story, so whatever I need, I get!"

"You're the hero." Hego deadpanned.

"Okay, so 'hero' might be too strong a term. But I'm clearly very protagonistic-y. Revenge quests are all the rage these days."

"Suuuuure. Okay then, Ms. Hero, what do we do with this not-dead guy?"

"Not a problem. I know someone that can help us out."

"You know a guy that can bring the dead to life?" Hego said incredulously.

"Hmmm. Well, let's just say pretty soon there's either going to be one less dead body around here, or one more."

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Shego pounded on the door. "Nerdlinger! Open up! I've got a job for you!"

"Go away!" Came the reply. "We're closed! Permanently! I don't do business anymore! I'm retired!"

"Well, unretire! And do it fast, before my irate brother here pulls your door off its hinges!" Shego yelled even louder.

"Actually, I'm feeling pretty calm." Hego said in a normal voice.

"Ugh, would you shut up and play along for once? I don't have time for his stalling, I need to use the threat of you to speed things along."

"Why don't you just threaten to burn the door down like you did in the woods?"

"I have no idea how I did that. I think it might've been a one-time thing."

"Fine. Urrr, me Hego! Me rip door down, smash to bits!" He leaned down to whisper to his sister. "How was that? Convincing?"

"No-no! Don't do that! I'm leasing this house, dang it!" Wade threw the door open. "What do you want, Shego?" He asked wearily.

Shego guestured, and Hego laid Ron down at Wade's feet. "Fix him."

Wade gave him a once-over. "You're kidding, right? Just from one glance, I can see that he's got a ruptured spleen, a collapsed lung from a compound frature in his ribs, multiple fratures in all four limbs, and heavy damage to the cranium. This guy's deader than a doornail! Well, not really, because doornails are usually made of metal, which is non-living material, and deader isn't even-"

"Don't care, don't care, don't care, shut up! Your choices are simple, poindexter! You fix him, or you join him!"

"Oh, yeah. Real heroic, sis."

"You shut up, too." She said with less venom.

Wade was clearly shaken by the threat, but he stood his ground. "Look, I don't know what you think I am, but there's no doctor in the world that can bring him back from this. The only way someone survives or reanimates after this much damage is extreme plot convenience, the kind that comes from noble feelings, like 'the power of friendship' or something."

"I have noble feelings! This guy is my BFF! You gotta save him, doc!"

There was a long silence, as the other two stared at Shego.

"Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, sis." Hego said.

"Okay, fine. Plan B." Shego took a menacing step toward Wade.

"Waitwaitwaitwait! Hold on just a second! I did just recently create a device that can stimulate his electromagnetic-"

"English!"

"We can talk to him a bit." Wade finished lamely. "Maybe he has some compelling, noble reason to return from death."

"Do it."

At Wade's direction, Hego brought Ron inside the house and hooked him up to a rather complex looking machine that somehow used electricity without a powergrid. Wade threw a switch, sending a pulse of energy into Ron's body.

"Yep, you can see by the way the energy is jumping around on his arm hairs that his spirit hasn't quite left his body yet. Hey, dude! Is there some noble cause that might bring you back to life by some perversion of the laws of science?"

Ron's eyes flew open, his back arched, and his mouth cracked. "True love." He gasped out, and lay still once again.

"Whelp. There you go." Shego said, rubbing her hands together with glee. "True love. The perfect noble cause to further my revenge plot."

"Now, hold on there." Wade held up a hand. "Sure, true love is noble  _in theory_. But there's no such thing as true love in real life. There's obviously been a-"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?" A woman burst into the room, chest heaving in ire, flames coming from her eyes. Even Shego shrank back from her. Wade cowered as she stalked up to him.

"I KNOW I did NOT just hear you say that there's no such thing as true love! What was all that when you proposed to me?! 'Oh, Monique, you're the only one for me!' Have you been lying to me this whole time?! Are you cheating on me?! You'd better not be, I will slap that ***** so hard she'll go around the world and hit you, and then I'll hit you again! No such thing as true love! You-you-you-"

Several times, Wade tried to speak during her rant, but by the end, when she had devolved to spluttering, he gave up on reasoning and merely tried to escape as she pummeled him with brooms, pots, pans, and whatever else she could get her hands on.

Shego threw up her hands. "Well, that's just great. At this rate, we'll never break into Monkeyfist Castle."

Wade and Monique stopped fighting. "Did you just say Monkeyfist Castle?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"That punk is the one who fired me!" Wade snarled. "He thought that idiot Killigan was a better scientist! Anything against him is the noblest cause there could ever be, as far as I'm concerned!"

"So you can fix him?" Shego asked, pointing at Ron.

"I'll find a way." Wade vowed.


	13. Chapter 13

Deep within Monkeyfist castle, the event of the decade was on. Everyone who was anyone was there to see the crown prince's marriage to the lovely and talented peasant girl. Officiating the wedding was an enormous priestess with long, thick, gorilla-like arms. As the ceremony was about to begin, she leaned over and winked suggestively at Monkeyfist.

"So, you doing anything after this?"

"Madam, this is my wedding we are at! I am to be married this very moment!" said Monkeyfist, scandalized.

"So? Nobody ever said being married meant you couldn't have a little fun, if you know what I mean."

"Yes, they did! It says so in that very book you're holding right there! Are you sure you're a priestess?"

"It's more of a set of guidelines, really. Is that a no, then?"

"Yes!"

"Yes? Perfect! Then I will see you in your rooms, later." She said, booping him on the nose.

"No, not yes, yes! Yes, no!"

"I think you're confused, deary, but I don't have time to straighten you out. I need to officiate a wedding right now. Can we talk about this some other time?"

Monkeyfist double facepalmed with a sob. "Can we please just get on with it?"

Returning to her formal position, the priestess began, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of this scrumptious, beautiful specimen of man-meat-" She batted her eyelashes at Monkeyfist, who did his best to ignore her, "-to this skinny, scrawny, undeserving little harlot." She finished, with a glare sent Kim's way.

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Outside the castle, Shego and Hego reached the top of the hill from which they had a clear view of the surrounding defenses. Hego lowered Ron gently to the ground, while Shego searched in vain for a weak point.

"There's gotta be three thousand men guarding that entrance! Who is Monkeyfist expecting to attack him tonight, the Emperor of China?! He doesn't even know we exist, and he thinks Mr. Ninja here is dead! These precautions make less than zero sense!"

"Careful. That's a world-renowned, best selling author you're insulting there. You think you understand plot development better than him?"

"Like I care! Besides, what are you even talking about? The only person I'm insulting is stupid Monkeyfist and his stupid paranoia. Who's this 'author' person you're talking about?"

"Uh, nevermind. Forget I said anything. Got a little too meta for my own good for a second there."

"Okaaayyy." Shego shrugged it off. "No choice, now. It's do or die time. This better work, or I'm going to have a very unpleasant conversation with Wade afterward."

She took a needle out of her ankle pouch. "Now, let's see. He said any vein would work. I guess the arm will be easiest."

"He also said that injecting your blood would only transfer your advanced healing factor temporarily, that in about an hour his body would reject it and he would die a nasty, painful, horrible death. Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Note 'okay with this' face." Shego sent her brother a derisive glance. "Besides, if we do nothing he's dead anyway. Sure, this will be more painful for him, but at least he'll get a chance to stop his love from marrying that nitwit who calls himself our prince, right? He'll be grateful! Here we go, this'll do."

She found the spot she was looking for and emptied the contents of the needle into Ron's bloodstream, then sat back to watch in morbid facination. Minutes later, Ron began to stir. His eyes flew open.

"You two!" He growled. "Come back for more, eh? Well, I can take you! I beat you both once separately, I can beat you both together!"

"Really? He beat you, too? You didn't tell me that." Shego asked Hego interestedly. Hego shrugged.

"Okay, maybe not exactly...but I'll do it this time! Hey, why can't I move? That's going to make this a little more difficult."

"Calm down, buddy." Hego said soothingly. "We're not here to fight. Or...no, that's not quite right. You're not going to fight...that's not it, either. We're going to fight other people, together, who are not us..."

"Oh my GOD, Hego, stop talking!" Shego said. "We're on your side, you moron, so stop struggling and save your strength. I'm going to...I mean, we're going to need it. We're attacking Monkeyfist castle. I need to get in there for reasons, and you need to get in there to stop Monkeyfist's wedding to Kim, which is right now. There are three thousand guards posted outside, presumably because Monkeyfist knew I was coming despite not knowing I even exist, and that it would take that many to stop me. The reason you can't move is because pretty much every bone in your body is broken and all your internal organs have been pounded to jelly and the only thing keeping you alive right now is my healing blood in your veins which you're going to expel from your body in about an hour in a gory shower that will be lethal to you so hurry up and think up a winning battle strategy right now! Come on, what are you waiting for? Chop, chop!"

Ron was somehow able to process Shego's massive information dump, despite the speed of delivery indicated by the total lack of any kind of punctuation, and he calmed down instantly to begin planning. "Alright. Three thousand armed guards. Probably well-trained. What are our assets?"

"Assets?" Shego blinked. "You have me. That should be plenty, if you're any kind of strategist. What other assets do you need? Oh, yeah, and there's that big lug over there, too. He's kinda strong. A little."

"You're kidding, right?" Ron chuckled in painful disbelief. "You, me, and him, against three thousand armed guards? Except that I can't even move. There's nothing! No strategist in the world could work with that! It's over!"

"**** that!" Shego snarled. "I finally found the dirtbag who did me dirt. I'm not waiting a single day more to pay him back!"

"What do you expect?" Ron squeezed his eyes shut in despair. "We have nothing! It's not like one of you has an innate flame affinity that I could amplify."

"Um...I might."

"Might what." Said Ron in a dead voice.

"Have that. Whatever flame thingy."

His eyes snapped open. "You're a fire chi elemental? And you didn't mention that when I asked about our assets?"

"I didn't think it was important!" Shego said defensively.

Ron's eyes bulged. "You didn't think the ability to summon and manipulate flames at will would be important?!"

"Well, I've never done it on purpose."

"Well, that's something. Now, if only we had a ten-foot grim reaper cloak."

"Oh, you mean like this?" Hego pulled an enormous tattered black cloak from -%*-.

Ron started to speak, paused, and started again. "You know what, I was going to ask where you got that, where you were hiding it, and why you ALSO DID NOT MENTION THAT IN OUR ASSETS CATEGORY, but I think I'm better off not knowing. Besides, I'm pretty sure the answer to that last question is just because you two want to drive me insane before I die. Now, here's what we're going to do..."


	14. Chapter 14

Three thousand guards milled about aimlessly in front of Monkeyfist Castle, bored to tears. Each and every one of them resented being posted outside the castle during what was certainly the party of the century, especially when it was obvious overkill. No one was going to attack the wedding, and even if someone were so foolish, a tenth that many guards would be more than enough.

However, the grumbling turned to shouts of fear as in the failing light of dusk a massive figure hidden within a black cloak rose up at the top of the hill overlooking the castle to menace the small army.

"Behold, evildoers, ye who serve the foul prince! The instrument of your destruction is come! Flee if you value your lives, or hold to your misplaced loyalty and...BURN!" A giant voice boomed out. The freakishly short arms of the cloaked figure raised. Flames shot from either hand, flanking the guards from either side but leaving enough space to escape. The entire congregation drew back as one as the figure began decent.

"God, you are so embarrassing. I can't believe we're related, you big cheeseball. Why did we have to let him ham it up again?" Shego whispered from her perch atop Hego's shoulders.

"Have to be sure they'll run for it. Grim reaper spewing fire might not be scary enough without the voice." Ron grunted, dripping with sweat. His hand around Shego's ankle pulsed with energy that transformed from blue to green as it flowed into her, up through her body and into her hands. The other hand on Hego's chest flowed from blue to a deeper blue that traveled up to his throat. Hego carried Ron to allow him access to both of them. "Is it working? Are they running?" He couldn't see, fully immersed in the cloak as he was.

"Not yet." Shego replied. "I still say you should just let me roast them alive. Then we wouldn't have to wait for them to run  _or_ put up with Mr. Ham & Eggs over here with his over the top monologues."

"You mean make you roast them. That's my power fueling yours. I'm not going to murder a bunch of guards whose only crime is having a bad boss." Ron whispered back. "Besides, he seems to be having fun. Hego! More ham! Really give it to 'em!"

"Begone, lest ye be touched by the eternal flame, the fire undying! Your torment shall last for all eternity, a fitting punishment for those who have loved injustice! Behold my power!" Shego raised her hands with an eye roll, filling the sky with a deafeningly cataclysmic burst of molten energy.

At the terrifying explosion, the guard captains could no longer hold back the tide. The army broke apart in every open direction, screams filling the night. In mere seconds, there was no one in sight but the cloaked three-in-one figure.

"Good enough." Shego jumped off of Hego's shoulders. "I'm in. That's all I wanted. See ya. I'd wish you good luck, but honestly I don't care how it goes for you."

"Sorry about her. She's always had a bad attitude." Hego said apologetically.

"It's fine." Ron dismissed. "As long as we save Kim I don't care about her attitude. She did her job. The rest is up to me."

"You mean us?" Hego asked.

"No. I mean me. I only need you to take me to Monkeyfist's room and leave me there. You can go get horses for us or something."

"Horses?" Hego's brow furrowed. "I can't ride a horse, I'm too big. And you won't need one in another half hour or so. And I don't think Shego's planning to run away after her 'meeting' with Killigan. Who needs a horse? Kim?"

"Nevermind it doesn't matter. The point is, you can't be there when I have the final confrontation with Monkeyfist or there won't be any drama. You'll just save the day easily. I'm the hero of the story, so I have to do it alone."

"Ohhh, now I get it. Alright, I guess I'll just go...get horses."

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Shego rounded a corner and nearly ran into Killigan with a five man guard detail. Everyone froze for a moment.

"Well? Get the lass!" Killigan said, moving the guards into action. The closest two guards stabbed at Shego, but she slipped smoothly between the two thrusts and performed an armthrow takedown on both at the same time, slamming their heads together as they hit the ground. Before the other guards could even move, she frontflipped off the ground and while upside down splitkicked two more guards' heads into either wall of the narrow hallway for a second double knockout. The flip finished with her landing on the shoulders of the final guard, bearing him helplessly to the ground where she finished him with a palm strike that bounced his head off of the floor. Five men knocked out in less than two seconds.

She rose slowly to her feet, fire in her eye, staring down her prey. Killigan drew his two clubs and took a confident fighting stance. Shego took a cautious step forward...and Killigan took off running as if the devil were after him. Which, of course, she was.

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Meanwhile, at the closing of the ceremony, during which Kim's numerous loud protests were completely ignored by all attending, Monkeyfist's father walked Kim to her room.

"I am so happy to see my son finally settling down with such a beautiful young woman." He said in a thick Spanish accent. "How did you come to fall in love with him, may I ask?"

"I don't love him. I hate him. I'd rather die than be married to him."

"Ah, so it was his evil that you fell in love with, eh?" He seemed not to hear her reply. "I understand. You know, I have brought him up in the ways of evil from a very young age, but he has surpassed me long since. Why, I think he may even kill me one day soon! Is that not the very essence of evil, to commit patricide for the pursuit of power? I am so very proud." The old man wiped an eye.

Kim gave him a measuring look. "You just might be the craziest person I've ever met."

"Thank you, my dear. You're very kind to say so."


	15. Chapter 15

Shego dogged the heels of the slippery Killigan, chasing him down hallways and around corners, single-minded in the pursuit of her quarry. So single-minded she was caught completely by surprise when she turned a particularly sharp corner only be clubbed in the back of the head by the crafty Scotsman, who had ducked behind the door to wait. She hit the ground like a ton of bricks, clinging stubbornly to consciousness by the thinnest of threads. "You...******..."

_"Dad, what's a fudger? Is that someone who makes fudge?"_

_Drakken shifted uncomfortably. "No, it's something your Mom sometimes calls people when she means 'I really, really don't like you'."_

_"Really? I've never heard her call anyone that. Like that time with the IRS agent, she didn't call him a fudger, she called him a-"_

_Drakken clapped a hand over his son's mouth. "She called him a fudger. You just heard it wrong." He said firmly. "Now, let's get back into the story. We're almost done."_

Kim parted ways with Monkeyfist Senior at the entrance to her bedroom. When she entered, she found the bed occupied by her beloved.

"Ron!" She cried, and she fell on his neck and kissed him on the lips, and the nose, and the forehead, and you get the idea. However, she soon realized he wasn't responding quite as she had expected. "What's wrong?"

"Well," Said Ron with a wince. "I'm liiiittle trouble moving my head at the moment. Oh, and my arms. And my legs. Pretty much everything, actually."

"What happened?" Kim gasped.

"Well...I kinda sorta died a little."

"What!?" Kim panicked, but immediately calmed down. "But you're alive now, right?"

"More or less."

"Let's make it less." Monkeyfist interrupted rudely from the doorway.

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

Killigan strutted up to his downed opponent. "Quite the fighter ye are, eh? I wouldna stood a chance in a fair fight. Too bad for ye, I only fight fair when I'm going to win! If we were golfin' for example...ah, dunno what that is? I'll teach ye. See, first ye line your club up like this, and then...FORE!"

He swung his club at Shego's head with the force to cave in her skull. Shego's hand shot out to catch the head of the club mere inches from her temple. "Hey," She said groggily. "You forgot to pay for those, you ******* ****-head."

Killigan yanked the club from her hand. "Now, don't be messin' with me long game, lassie! I'll have to teach ye some manners." He pulled the club back again and swung with even greater force. Once again, Shego caught the instrument of death before it made contact.

"Hey. You forgot to pay for those, you ******* ****-head." She pulled herself shakily to her knees.

Killigan's eyes nearly popped out of his head with rage. He unsheathed his other club and swung both simultaneously. Shego caught one in each hand and pulled herself to her feet, fire in her eyes. "Hey! You forgot to pay for those, you ******* ****-head!"

She yanked both clubs from his hands and tossed them aside, advancing on him slowly. He backed away, sweating furiously. "Ah, I see. Ye're the lass I got me clubs from. Forget to pay ye, did I? Well, let's just correct that, shall we? How much did we agree on, again?"

Shego grabbed him by the collar and shoved him hard into the wall. "You lied to me, stole from me, and tried to kill me twice. You think you have enough money to satisfy me  _NOW?!_ "

He gulped.

**KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS**

"You are quite persistent, I'll give you that." Monkeyfist continued. "I'm not sure how you survived the beating I gave you, but I assure you I will make certain you do not do so a second time."

"I survived because I'm a greater Monkey Master than you."

Monkeyfist scoffed. "I am the one true Monkey Master. There is none greater than me."

"Oh, really." Ron returned with equal disdain. "Then I suppose you won't mind putting that to the test with the YONO challange."

"The YONO challange." He was taken aback. "A right only granted to one who has mastered the Tai Shing Pek Kwar. The winner absorbs the Mystical Monkey Power from the loser, and the loser is bound for eternity in a stone prison. But I am certain you are too weak to fight me. What could you possibly gain from this?"

"Are you a monkey or a chicken?" Ron concentrated. A glowing blue aura arose from him and moved toward Monkeyfist. "I call upon the YONO to observe the ancient challenge. Do you accept?"

Monkeyfist stared down the bedridden hero, but he could find no reason to refuse. His own aura rose from his body and joined Ron's, forming a vortex. "I accept in my own right."

The vortex swirled and flashed, and a stooped monkey-like figure formed. "The challenge is accepted. Master Monkeyfist will compete in his own stead. Will you as well?" He asked Ron.

"I will fight by proxy." Ron replied.

"What?!" Monkeyfist screeched. The YONO ignored him.

"Who will compete in your stead?"

"Her." Ron nodded his head at Kim.

"That's impossible!" yelled Monkeyfist.

"Actually, it's Kim. Kim Possible." She replied. "I have no idea what's going on. Are you sure I can do this?" She whispered to Ron.

"I'm sure. You've got this, Kim. Go get 'im." Ron whispered back.

"Kim Possible. Do you accept the challenge of the YONO in Master Ron's stead?" The YONO boomed.

"I do."

"Then step into the arena."

Reality wavered. A giant stone colloseum appeared where a wall had once been. Monkeyfist and Kim stepped over the line bleeding one reality into the other. Ron remained bedridden, only able to watch his love fight for them both.

The two faced each other and took fighting stances. The YONO clapped his hands with a mighty crack.

"The challenge is begun!"


	16. Chapter 16

Monkeyfist struck first, leaping through the air to kick twice at Kim's head in quick succession. She ducked the attack, but he landed with perfect balance and stuck out with a quick one-two. An even quicker weave from side to side, and he hit nothing but air.

"Hold still, would you?" He growled.

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen." She was happy to give ground as he pressed the attack relentlessly, increasingly frustrated at her evasiveness.

"That's it, Kim! Give him the what-for!" Ron yelled from across the reality line.

"Okay, first of all, I would never say that. Second of all, Wesley would never say that. Third of all, nobody would ever say that! The what-for? What even is the what-for? What's the what-for for?"

"Oh, you know, it's...the thing. That you give people. When you're fighting them. Punchy, punchy. You fighter people say it all the time! Don't you? Dear?"

Shego snorted a laugh. "You're kidding, right? We've been together for, what, twenty years now? When have you ever heard me say that?"

"Well, I just figured you say it when I'm not around." Drakken said haughtily. He wilted under three disbelieving stares. "Alright, fine. He didn't say give him the what-for. Happy?"

As Ron cheered her on with indistinct encouragement from the sidelines, Kim continued to dodge everything Monkeyfist could throw at her. His frustrating slowly transformed into blind rage, minutes passing without him being able to so much as displace a hair on her head. He attempted to catch her with raw speed, abandoning all form in favor of punching and kicking as quickly and powerfully as he could. Craters formed all over the arena, whatever was behind or under Kim being totally demolished by the attacks she dodged.

"Wow, you're really bad at this, aren't you?" Kim taunted.

Monkeyfist screamed in rage and threw his fastest, most deadly punch yet. Kim managed to dodge this as well, but the figure behind her did not. All the anger drained out of Monkeyfist to make way for paralyzing fear. The YONO, intimidating figure though he struck, had remained so motionless throughout that he had blended into the scenery. Indeed, even the fist in his face had not moved him a fraction of an inch. However, the fire growing in his eyes laid to rest the hope that he would overlook the incident. Monkeyfist drew back, legs shaking so much they could hardly bear his weight.

"YOU DARE STRIKE THE YONO!?" The Monkey God boomed.

"I-no, I-it was her! She made me do it! It wasn't my fault!" Monkeyfist stuttered.

"SILENCE!" Monkeyfist was blown backward, almost off his feet by the imperative. "DO YOU THINK I DO NOT KNOW WHO STRUCK ME, FOOL? YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE! I DECLARE THE CONTEST...FINISHED!"

And with that the YONO disappeared in a thunderclap, leaving behind a bolt of lightning that hovered where he had stood momentarily, then shot out to strike Monkeyfist's feet. They were transformed to solid stone, a malady that began to spread up his legs slowly but surely. The broken reality faded away, leaving Kim and the afflicted Monkeyfist in the bedchamber with Ron once more.

"Well...so that happened." Ron said.

"Help me!" Monkeyfist begged, trying in vain to hold off the petrification with his hands.

"Sorry, dude, I don't know of any way to break the curse of the YONO. Besides, we're enemies. I kind of want you to die, remember?"

"Kim! Please!"

"Nope. You tried to kill Ron. There aren't a lot of things I won't forgive, but that's one of them. I won't kill you...but I don't have to save you, either. Goodbye, Lord Monkeyfist. Let's go Ron."

"Right behind you Kim."

But as Kim went to open the door, she turned around to find Ron still in the bed, struggling to sit up. "Actually, I'm gonna need a hand. Can't seem to move my legs. Or arms. Or torso."

"No big." Kim tossed Ron over her shoulder in a fireman's carry.

"Okay. Ow. Ow. Ouch. Could you be a bit more gentle? I've only just come back from the dead, you know..." Ron's voice faded into the hallway, leaving Monkeyfist alone in the room, petrified from the waist down and getting higher.

"I'm here, Montykins!" A giant priestess skipped through the open door. When she saw Monkeyfist, she gasped. "Oh no! What happened, my scruptuousness?"

"I'm dying, you fool!" Monkeyfist growled in frustration and agony.

"Yes, I see that. But you don't have to die, you know. I have this magic pill that can save you." Amy pulled a pill out of her pocket and held it in front of Monkeyfist's face, pulling it away when he tried to snap at it. "If..."

"If, what?" Monkeyfist was near tears.

"If you agree to marry me. To be mine forever. This will be my property from now on." She said, grabbing his stone parts.

With the utmost distaste, Monkeyfist quickly concluded that he had no choice. "Oh, all right!" He said, with all the reluctance and disdain in his soul.

"Yay!" She popped the pill into his mouth and he downed it in an instant. "Feel better?" He nodded. "Good! Let's go, the wedding is still set up and ready for us!"

She grabbed him by the legs and dragged him out the door. "Wait! No! I've changed my mind! Kill me!" Monkeyfist yelled helplessly.

KPRSKPRSKPRSKPRS

Kim exited the castle, only to run into Hego, leading three horses. "Uh, Ron, I'll need to set you down for a bit. We've got a problem."

"What? Problem? We already beat Monkeyfist, there shouldn't be any problems left." Ron said. Kim turned him around. "Oh, hey Hego. You got the horses. Cool."

"You're still alive?"

"Well, yeah. You didn't really think the main character was going to die in this story, did you? It's not a tragedy, you know."

"But what about the whole thing Wade said about...all that science stuff?"

"Well, science in this time period is basically just like magic, and with magic there either are no rules, or there are but you can break them any time you want, which amounts to the same thing."

"Wait, since when are you guys friends?" Kim interrupted.

"Since Hego and Shego brought me back to life. It was one of those common goal type things. Shego needed to get into the castle to go after some guy who ripped her off. I think she found him, that's why she's not here right now. Oh, speak of the she-devil."

"Hey, guys!" Shego had a broad grin and a bounce in her step. "We all done here? Looks like it. Let's get gone, then. I've got some business to attend to. New holdings to inspect. Treasuries to examine."

"We were just talking about you." Ron said. "Find that guy you were looking for?"

"I did." She said smugly.

"He dead?"

"Not exactly. See, the thing is, everyone has their price. Even me. Especially me. And he was a VERY rich guy, it turns out."

"Hey! Lassie!" Came a shout from the ramparts. They looked up to see Killigan leaning over, wearing a barrel around his waist and nothing else. "Can't I at least have me britches back? Have ye no heart?"

"Like I said, he WAS a very rich guy." Shego said complacently.

"Wow, so you're really into the whole money thing, huh?" Ron said.

"Who isn't?"

"How'd you like to be the next Pirate Ninja Hirotaka? There's a lot of money in the business, and I'm ready to retire."

"I'll think about it." Shego pulled out some papers and looked over them critically. "Gotta take a look at my new lands and all that first. Sounds like a good follow up though. Hego? You ready to go into the pirate business, bro?"

"No. I'm done being a criminal. I've decided to become what I always wanted to be. A hero."

"You're already a hero in my book, big guy." Ron said.

"Well, then, an even better hero. A Super Hero!"

"A Super Hero, huh?" Kim said, a gleam of interest in her eye. "That has a nice ring to it."

"Doesn't it?" Hego agreed. "I've never heard of one before. I'll be the world's first Super Hero!"

"Okay, whatever. You do you, man. I've been waiting to get married for two years already. Kim? You ready to do this thing?"

"So ready."

And they all lived happily ever after.

Except Monkeyfist, who wasn't turned to stone, but wished he was.

And Killigan, who had to beg for a living for the rest of his life.

And Dementor, who was dead.

That's right, you simpleton. Who's laughing now, eh? First and only character dead. Serves you right.

"Enough. He's asleep already." Shego said softly.

"I know. I just wanted to gloat a little. I miss it sometimes, you know."

"You gloat about something every day."

"Yes, but that's just normal gloating, not evil gloating. There's a very important distinction, you know."

"Okay, it was nice visiting with you and all, but we need to go home and watch The Princess Bride asap." Ron stood.

"Yes. Yes you do." Drakken agreed. "No excuse to not see such a classic." He looked sternly at Kim. She held her hands up.

"Okay, okay, I got it. We'll watch it as soon as we get home."

There were hugs and handshakes all around, and the younger pair was off. Shego put her arms around Drakken.

"And now that the kid's asleep and the annoying superheroes are gone, there's a movie we need to watch in our room as well."

"Oh? What movie is that?" Drakken's brow furrowed.

"It's called, 'Drago's been asking for a little brother.'"

His brow furrowed further as he tried to puzzle that out. "I don't think I know that one. 'Drago's been'-Oh! Oh, yes. That one. Yes, I've been wanting to see that one for a while as well."

And they all lived happily ever after.

Even Dementor. Wherever he may have been.


End file.
